Monday, September 5, 2011

Maccabee Lager Beer

Maccabee Lager Beer
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 500 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Israel
Rating: 23% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.tempo.co.il
Best for: being out of your element
Ratings:
Taste: 5/20
Flavour: 5/20
Buy again: 5/20
Aroma: 2/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 1/10
Intangible: 2/10
Handwritten notes: This is nearly flavourless, even more so than an American macro light. Only a lingering sour tinge of honey saves it from being vomited off my balcony in disgust. Have I lost my sense of taste from gratuitous tobacco use? Nah, the IPA I just had was boss. This beer is just "there" like the Kool-Aid your friend's mom watered down to "cut back on the sugar". Get real.
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Beer #543 of 3,652

Fort Garry Premium Light

Fort Garry Premium Light
Type of beer: Light Lager
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 4.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 3% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 3rd
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.fortgarry.com/
Best for: Skipping a light fandango
Ratings:
Taste: 1/20
Flavour: 0/20
Buy again: 0/20
Aroma: 0/10
Satisfaction: 0/10
Complexity: 0/10
Intangible: 2/10

Handwritten notes: Fort Garry Light. Fort... Garry... Light. FGL. I don't even know what to say anymore. Uhh... think Bard, think. What would a jag-off Beer Advocate reviewer write? "it pours a golden straw colour and smells lightly malty..." go fuck yourself! It's shit!
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Beer #542 of 3,652

Lucky Bucket Certified Evil

Lucky Bucket Certified Evil
Type of beer: Dark Ale
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 12.50%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 76% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 4th
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.luckybucketbrewing.com/
Best for: Climbing ropes
Ratings:
Taste: 15/20
Flavour: 14/20
Buy again: 16/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 7/10
Complexity: 8/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: Ahhh.... hmmm. A strange dark Ale full of evil. I'm not sure if beer companies use names like this to hype their beer for the same reason that specialty hot sauces use names like "suicide" "mouth inferno" and "scrotum piercing". This beer has that old chocolate malt but... bah? Bitter hops? The taste lingering on the palate is porter but the lingering sensation is bitterness. Well, on that note, I'm shnockered.
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Beer #541 of 3,652

Tatra

Tatra
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 500 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.50%
Country of origin: Poland
Rating: 67% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 2nd
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.zywiec.com.pl/
Best for: Fantasizing
Ratings:
Taste: 12/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 11/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 9/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: This is a mish-mash of I dunno what. Electric tinny bitter hops, brown sugar caramel malts and lay-low fizziness. I have no idea what kind of beer this is... it could be a blend of other beers for all I know. Just like Coke and Sprite mixed together, it's not bad, really, but not worth the $4.25 price tag.
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Beer #540 of 3,652

New Belgium Somersault

New Belgium Somersault
Type of beer: Blonde Ale
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.20%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 74% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.newbelgium.com/
Best for: Tumbling
Ratings:
Taste: 14/20
Flavour: 14/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 7/10
Complexity: 9/10
Intangible: 8/10

Handwritten notes: Is this an amber or a blonde? What's the fecking difference anyways? This has a plummy/pruney base and a hop-top. Luckily it does not assault you with any particular flavour and you are left with a "beerey" aftertaste. There is definitely a transition of flavour going on. Somersaults are easy. Cartwheels are hard. I can do one but I'm not sure if I'm doing it right. When's the last time you (yeah, you) did a cartwheel or somersault? That's why growing up sucks. That's why.
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Beer #539 of 3,652

Tomyknocker Maple Nut Brown Ale

Tomyknocker Maple Nut Brown Ale
Type of beer: Ale
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.50%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 68% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://tommyknocker.com/
Best for: Posing for a photo
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 13/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: Not so bad as I expected, a lispy maple (almost brown thugary). The maple does not distract too badly from the standard brown ale flavour. Not as solid as the Cannery Brewing version, but still a good use of Canada's blood.
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Beer #538 of 3,652

Monday, August 29, 2011

Red Horse Beer

Red Horse Beer
Type of beer: Malt Liquor
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 7.00%
Country of origin: Philippines
Rating: 2% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.sanmiguel.com.ph/
Best for: Yelling
Ratings:
Taste: 0/20
Flavour: 0/20
Buy again: 0/20
Aroma: 0/10
Satisfaction: 2/10
Complexity: 0/10
Intangible: 0/10
Handwritten notes: Alright, down by 2. It's the fourth quarter and you've used all your timeouts. Your QB just spiked the ball at the 25 yard line with 3 seconds to go. Here comes your field goal kicker, perfect this year so far. Here's the snap... the hold.. and it's... no good!!!! Disgusting candy yuck swirl.
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Beer #537 of 3,652

Lost Coast Great White

Lost Coast Great White
Type of beer: White Beer
Container Type: 1 pint 6 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.80%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 73% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bears
website: http://www.lostcoast.com/
Best for: The dead of summer
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 8/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: This is a very peachy/apricotty swoosh in the old kisser. Pineapple? Something orange or yellowy/orange. Not too bad a way to spend a hot summer night. I like a lot of what Lost Coast has done but they need to cool it with the cutsie labels. No more Freddie Mercury looking sharks, no more acid trip tangerine suns. The thing about cutsie labels is that I always think the company is trying too hard because their beer is shite. Just play it cool, LC. Play it cool.
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Beer #536 of 3,652

St. Sylvestre Du Moulin Pilsner

St. Sylvestre Du Moulin Pilsner
Type of beer: Pilsner
Container Type: 500 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.30 %
Country of origin: France
Rating: 33% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.brasserie-st-sylvestre.com/
Best for: hanging ten
Ratings:
Taste: 7/20
Flavour: 7/20
Buy again: 8/20
Aroma: 3/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 3/10
Handwritten notes: This pours stupidly clear. It tastes like steel dust. I had a fuck of a time at the LC trying to figure out the country of origin on this sucker. It just says "European Beer". There's a picture of a windmill on the can. That's like putting "Asian Beer" on a bottle. This beer ain't no good. It would not surprise me one iota to find out it's some generic grocery store brand from France. Right there next to "No Name" Brie and "Our Compliments" baguettes.
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Beer #535 of 3,652

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Tommyknocker Jack Whacker Wheat Ale

Tommyknocker Jack Whacker Wheat Ale
Type of beer: Wheat Ale
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.40%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 35% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://tommyknocker.com/
Best for: Fuck
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 10/20
Buy again: 6/20
Aroma: 2/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 4/10
Intangible: 1/10
Handwritten notes: I have to be honest with you people. Well, let me be really honest. I know no one reads this but drunken frat boys at 3:00 a.m. google imaging Keystone Light for a new avatar for their fucking Axis & Allies message board. So. Even so. I looked at this beer and I was upset. "Ale brewed with Lemon Grass". Great. Vague AC/DC innuendo abut jerking off. Perfect. I actually said "I'm sick of this project" (for reals). I've never said that before. Even in my year long hiatus I was dutifully taking pics and making notes. But.. wheat beer? You and I are done, ok? I'm going to stay at my sister's till we figure this out. But I know I don't love you. I never loved you. You keep the kids.

The actual review is as follows: I taste not lemon-grass. I taste weak iced-tea with wheat beer on the label. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Okay.
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Beer #534 of 3,652

Mongozo Premium Pilsener

Mongozo Premium Pilsener
Type of beer: Pilsner
Container Type: 330 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Netherlands
Rating: 63% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Pilly glass
website: http://www.mongozo.com/
Best for: Saving the world and shit
Ratings:
Taste: 11/20
Flavour: 12/20
Buy again: 11/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: Best gluten free beer ever. But I guess that's like winning the "best smile" contest in London. That's right, limeys, I went there. It could be the simple fact that it is 1:00 a.m. when I'm writing this, and I'm not "driving around" sober. But this ain't a bad tasting beer. Sort of a dusty manufactured taste but, garsh help me, a hell of a lot better than a lot of beers.
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Beer #533 of 3,652

Rogue Chipotle Ale

Rogue Chipotle Ale
Type of beer: Ale
Container Type: 650 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.50%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 87% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bears
website: http://www.rogue.com/
Best for: Paying customers only!
Ratings:
Taste: 17/20
Flavour: 16/20
Buy again: 19/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 10/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 10/10
Handwritten notes: This review I'm doing "on the fly" (drinking as I type). The first thing I said to the clerk in buying this beer was "that sounds like a terrible idea". People, I love hot peppers. I currently have 20 different strains growing. With that said, to be more brutally honest I am not having a good intestine day. So much so that I was forced to make a white-knuckle stop at a Subway bathroom. Even so, I am drinking this beer -- and it is good. The taste is almost like a rauchbier, except that, as time goes by, the back of your throat does battle with a wee bit of capsicum. This is the first beer that actually tastes good when you belch it up. I'm in love.
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Beer #532 of 3,652

Tree Brewing Hefeweizen

Tree Brewing Hefeweizen
Type of beer: Hefeweizen
Container Type: 650 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 70% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bears
website: http://www.treebeer.com/
Best for: Dreaming
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 14/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: A somewhat standard heffer, much less abrasive than I would have expected. The label points to banana and clove flavours, but I taste a predominant anise/black licorice flavour. Smooth. Smooth move, ex-lax. Remember that shit? What the Funk & Wagnalls does that mean? Anyways, they should make laxatives that taste like this beer. If they did, I'd never be off the shitter. And was there really a guy named John Crapper? Ahh, that's for another time.
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Beer #531 of 3,652

Monday, August 22, 2011

Muskoka Hefe-Weissbier

Muskoka Hefe-Weissbier
Type of beer: Hefeweizen
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 40% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 2nd
Drank From: GW Glass
website: http://www.muskokabrewery.com/
Best for: Tubin'
Ratings:
Taste: 8/20
Flavour: 7/20
Buy again: 10/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 2/10
Handwritten notes: The can says "The taste of cottage country". I'm not sure, but I think that means it tastes like a public bathroom and Muskol. There's only a cinna-mini stick hint to tell me it's a weizen. It pours crystal clear which is kind of sickening. How come everybody in Winnipeg just says "I'm going to the lake". There's like 20,000 lakes (no exaggeration) within 3 hours drive yet everyone just says "the lake". Fuck it, I'll be downtown refereeing bum fights in some greasy grey back alley. Enjoy your nature, jerks.
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Beer #530 of 3,652

Flying Dog Kerberos Tripel

Flying Dog Kerberos Tripel
Type of beer: Tripel
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 8.50%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 76% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://flyingdogales.com/
Best for: going 10 rounds
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 15/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 10/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: This is a juicy type tripel with a pleasant back o' the throat bite and a sweet alcohol fade. A punchy-punch head swimmer. I would like to drink like 6 of these and then try and paint a bowl of fruit. It would likely end up being a doodle of a giant robot fighting a tank and Ernie taking bong hits.
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Beer #529 of 3,652

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Brooklyn Brewing East India Pale Ale

Brooklyn Brewing East India Pale Ale
Type of beer: IPA
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 6.90%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 67% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.brooklynbrewery.com/
Best for: Watching old GI JOE cartoons
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 13/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: Really. Okay. Picture the IPA in your gullet. Bitter pamplemousse and papillon flavours flying around your mind. And potpourri, speaking of beautiful french "p" words. I love a good chicken potpourri on a cold day. Ha ha... hmmm.
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Beer #528 of 3,652

Bedele Gold Label Special Beer

Bedele Gold Label Special Beer
Type of beer: Export Lager
Container Type: 500 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.50%
Country of origin: Ethiopia
Rating: 10% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: n/a
Best for:
Ratings:
Taste: 2/20
Flavour: 2/20
Buy again: 1/20
Aroma: 1/10
Satisfaction: 2/10
Complexity: 0/10
Intangible: 2/10
Handwritten notes: Ethiopia, really? No wonder every time I see Ethiopians on tv they have distended stomachs and have flies buzzing around them. It's beer bellies and beer stench, not starvation and poverty! Gimme back those pennies I put in the Unicef box last Halloween! That might be the most tasteless comment I have ever made. Even so, this beer looks like (and tastes like) the beer from that scene in Strange Brew where they pour their dad a beer from the dog food dish. See this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GogRZwFXoA
A sickly sweet beer that sticks to your hateful soul.
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Beer #527 of 3,652

Monday, August 15, 2011

Old Milwaukee Light

Old Milwaukee Light
Type of beer: Light Lager
Container Type: 12 oz can
Alcohol by volume: 3.88%
Country of origin: United
Rating: 15% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 6th
Drank From: Affy Glass
website: www.oldmilwaukee.com/
Best for: Shirtless Sundays
Ratings:
Taste: 3/20
Flavour: 2/20
Buy again: 5/20
Aroma: 1/10
Satisfaction: 0/10
Complexity: 0/10
Intangible: 4/10
Handwritten notes: Ladies and gentlemen, the genius of Mr. John Prine:

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Beer #526 of 3,652

Hockley Black & Tan

Hockley Black and Tan
Type of beer:Black and Tan
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 4.70%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 65% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.hockleybeer.ca/
Best for: Stamping out racism
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 14x/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 6/10
Handwritten notes: Black and tan, in a can? I would so drink it, in a car, I would so drink it with a star, I would so drink it near and far, I would so drink it, at a bar. I dunno. But this is a smooth malt pleaser that moseys down your throat on a summer night. I would so drink it, in my plight, I would so drink it, and start a fight, I would so drink it, in the morning light.
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Beer #525 of 3,652

Muskoka Dark Ale

Muskoka Dark Ale
Type of beer: Brown Ale
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 30% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.muskokabrewery.com/
Best for: Cotta-hey country
Ratings:
Taste: 7/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 3/20
Aroma: 4/10
Satisfaction: 4/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 2/10
Handwritten notes: If I had a cottage you'd all be invited. But BYOB. You can even sleep in the bunk house. This smoky light keeps me wishing for the days of the iron curtain and the terror that Nikolai Volkoff struck in my heart. Because now I feel nothing, like some dude put 2 drops of liquid smoke in my Keystone Light. Thanx, but no thanx.
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Beer #524 of 3,652

Waterloo Wheat

Waterloo Wheat
Type of beer: White
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 11% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: GW Glass
website: http://www.brickbeer.com/
Best for: Sunshiney memories
Ratings:
Taste: 3/20
Flavour: 2/20
Buy again: 2/20
Aroma: 1/10
Satisfaction: 1/10
Complexity: 1/10
Intangible: 1/10
Handwritten notes: What is this lemonade honey vanilla bean banana peel glass of swill? This is the yellowest fucking beer I've ever tasted. You could freeze it and sell it to unsuspecting children on a summer's afternoon from your rapist-van cranking a tinny medley of "Baby Elephant Walk" and "Maple Leaf Rag". Good gracious, I think I just ate a yellow gumball.
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Beer #523 of 3,652

Tripel Karmeliet

Tripel Karmeliet
Type of beer: Tripel
Container Type: 330 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 8.40%
Country of origin: Belgium
Rating: 81% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.bestbelgianspecialbeers.be/
Best for: a Moondance
Ratings:
Taste: 15/20
Flavour: 16/20
Buy again: 17/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 9/10
Complexity: 8/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: Aww, nice. That old strange yellow fruity taste and peppery finish. Every once in a while when you get down in the mouth about life, and you find yourself lacking the energy to tie your shoes and you find yourself getting up from your recliner to get 2 beers (both for yourself), throw a tripel down your neck. Liquid Prozac, pals.
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Beer #522 of 3,652

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Estrella Damm Inedit

Estrella Damm Inedit
Type of beer: White
Container Type: 750 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.80%
Country of origin: Spain
Rating: 73% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Afflighem Glass
website: http://www.estrelladamm.com/
Best for: Coconut crusted shrimp. Or hot dogs, I don't know.
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 14/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: This is an very flowery, spicy (spice-like, not spicy hot) blonde-tasting beer. What's the deal with albinos? Is it wrong that they make me vomit in my throat? This beer has to be a blonde... if it is, I win the Olympics again (**checked - wrong! No Olympics this year**). Somehow the mouth-coating sweetness carries a distinctive honey and caramel, but lightly. This beer is meant to be dranken with a meal, or so the little pamphlet says. I may be so crude that my name ought to be Phillip Stein but this whole matching beer and food idea means nothing to me. I just don't get it, like those old 3D eye pictures. I never got those either, ever. People were like ooh! a rocket ship! and all I ever saw was cat vomit. I tried (both matching beer with food and 3D posters). Believe me, I've tried.
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Beer #521 of 3,652

Monday, July 11, 2011

Flying Dog Snake Dog IPA

Flying Dog Snake Dog IPA
Type of beer: IPA
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 7.10%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 74% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://flyingdogales.com/
Best for: Inter-netting
Ratings:
Taste: 14/20
Flavour: 15/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 9/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: Hahahaha I see why they call it Snake Dog. It snakes on you! Hahahaha. I AM LAUGHING OUT LOUD. I don't believe in cutsie abbreviations or finding euphemisms for grapefruit IPAs. I am a fan of sarcasm. So everyone knows there's no word that rhymes with orange. Well, nothing rhymes with grapefruit either. Or lemon. Or kumquat. Well, kumquat, okay, but the rest not. This IPA is soul warming and makes you think like a 1980s stand up comedian. I AM ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MY ANUS OFF.
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Beer #520 of 3,652

Sierra Nevada Double IPA

Sierra Nevada Double IPA
Type of beer: IPA
Container Type: 12 oz.
Alcohol by volume: 8.50%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 63% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 3
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.sierranevada.com/
Best for: likin' it raw
Ratings:
Taste: 12/20
Flavour: 12/20
Buy again: 13/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 5/10
Handwritten notes:
Hippa to da hoppa and you just don't stoppa!

I have no words better than that. Go to beer camp and create this. I'm going to Canadian macro beer camp this summer. I'm going to recommend a musky-cellar tin wash bin beer. Hey, and we'll call it a pilsner. Revolutionary!

I keep my breath smellin' like beer so I can get drunky.
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Beer #519 of 3,652

Abbot Ale

Abbot Ale
Type of beer: Pale Ale
Container Type: pint can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: England
Rating: 48% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.greeneking.co.uk/
Best for: Sick-ass Monday
Ratings:
Taste: 11/20
Flavour: 9/20
Buy again: 5/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 6/10
Handwritten notes: I don't know about this beer, it kind of makes me feel queasy like chugging an Orange Crush. Very fruity and sugary flavours present. It's almost like a rotten woody-fruity taste, like that old plum tree my grandparents had where the plums would fall off and rot and you'd walk by on the way to the outhouse in September and say "whew! who's been drinkin'?". A cheek-painting sour bitterness finishes it off. Why is it that British food is all meat and pastry and beans and root vegetables? All they eat is brown and almost-brown food and then wonder why they're pasty faced weaklings? Smart folks, though. Smart folks.
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Beer #518 of 3,652

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Lucky Buddha Beer

Lucky Buddha Beer
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.80%
Country of origin: China
Rating: 39% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.luckydrinkco.com/
Best for: looking at trees
Ratings:
Taste: 7/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 6/20
Aroma: 4/10
Satisfaction: 4/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 5/10

Handwritten notes: Fucking Buddhists don't know the meaning of sacrilegious. Some beer bottle with the smiling face of Jesus or Muhammad would undoubtedly incite some divinely justifiable bloodshed. But the Buddhists just sit there in the corner, smoking weed and thinking about the human condition. This beer has that greazy Oriental feel with a floral backdrop. So, in conclusion, buy Rucky. But don't desire it. Existence is suffering. It ends when you're drunk.
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Beer #517 of 3,652

Schoenling Little Kings Original Cream Ale

Schoenling Little Kings Original Cream Ale
Type of beer: Cream Ale
Container Type: 7 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.50%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 25% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Jennifer 1992 Glass
website: http://hudepohlbeer.com/
Best for: chasing a rabbit
Ratings:
Taste: 6/20
Flavour: 4/20
Buy again: 4/20
Aroma: 3/10
Satisfaction: 2/10
Complexity: 4/10
Intangible: 2/10

Handwritten notes: Tastes strongly of manufactured malt and the tinny flavour of old coffee grounds and well water. There is a smoothness to the finish, but an unpleasant minerally aftertaste. I like the small bottle though. I grabbed it and I says to the wife, I says "look at me I'm Paul fuckin' Bunyan". True story.
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Beer #516 of 3,652

Monday, July 4, 2011

Thwaites Very Nutty Black

Thwaites Very Nutty Black
Type of beer: Ale
Container Type: 500 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 3.90%
Country of origin: England
Rating: 63% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.thwaites.co.uk/
Best for: Pondering Rubik's Cube
Ratings:
Taste: 12/20
Flavour: 11/20
Buy again: 12/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 8/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: This smells like a very ordinary dark ale, but tastes very unique. You are met with an almost sour bite that sticks to your lips like citric acid. Further on, a faint licorice and almost Amaretto taste. Weird, different, but as busy as Rodney Dangerfield's tie.
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Beer #515 of 3,652

Shock Top Belgian White

Shock Top Belgian White
Type of beer: White
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.20%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 31% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.shocktopbeer.com
Best for: Hot dog day
Ratings:
Taste: 7/20
Flavour: 6/20
Buy again: 4/20
Aroma: 3/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 3/10
Handwritten notes: I don't know about you guys but when I was a little kid we had "hot dog days" at school where you could buy a hot dog for a dollar for lunch over lunch-hour. They were served in the school gym. That smell of cheap ass chicken wieners and gym floor haunts my soul to this day. What they served with this feast was some watery "orange drink" served from big yellow and red coolers with the McDonald's logo on it. That tasteless "orange drink" showed up at most school events in the gym, science fairs, choir concerts, track and field days, and so on. That sick watery orange flavour (as imprinted on my brain as gym sweat and processed chicken) is this beer. Yum. Drink up.
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Beer #514 of 3,652

Sierra Nevada Juniper Black Ale

Sierra Nevada Juniper Black Ale
Type of beer: Ale
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 8.00%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 55% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Mug
website: http://www.sierranevada.com/
Best for: nightmares
Ratings:
Taste: 11/20
Flavour: 10/20
Buy again: 10/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 4/10
Intangible: 6/10
Handwritten notes: Ohhh, come on Sierra Nevada. Come on. You're going to hop monster me with a dark beer? Close your eyes, think double IPA. Guess what? Double IPA. Fuckin' invite me to your dumb ass beer camp next year and I guarantee my revolutionary idea will not be "the same old beer... just black." I'll fresh idear the fuck out of y'alls. Certainly not black hopmonster, or blackhopula, blackhopenstein or any variation thereof.
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Beer #513 of 3,652

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Kronenbourg 1664

Kronenbourg 1664
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 330 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: France
Rating: 43% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bit Glass
website: http://www.brasseries-kronenbourg.com
Best for: Impersonating a millionaire
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 9/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 3/10
Intangible: 4/10
Handwritten notes: Skunk-stink, but only a light skunk-stink, if that helps. A bit less bitter and softer around the corners than I expected. Weird, like there may be Cascade detergent in it. Buy it so that you can ask your friends (or relatives, or prostitutes you've paid to wear spider-man tights and tickle your feet) "who wants a Kronenbourg??"
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Beer #512 of 3,652

Wittekerke

Wittekerke
Type of beer: White
Container Type: 11.2 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Belgium
Rating: 60% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.bavik.be/
Best for: Diddy wa Diddie
Ratings:
Taste: 11/20
Flavour: 11/20
Buy again: 11/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 8/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: It looks like lemonade. It tastes like something close to lemonade. A very citrussy flowery taste, thank heavens with no aftertaste of rotten sunflower seeds. Somewhere in the cellar of taste there's the most crisp "beer" taste ever. And finally, a banana finish. Ahh, esters, that strange science that makes beers taste like fruit. But why the hell does fresh laid tar smell like sesame snaps? Oh, what a world.
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Beer #511 of 3,652

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Kasteel Rouge

Kasteel Rouge
Type of beer: Fruit Ale
Container Type: 330 mL bottleE
Alcohol by volume: 8.00%
Country of origin: Belgium
Rating: 39% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.vanhonsebrouck.be/
Best for: Krieking one out
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 10/20
Buy again: 5/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 2/10
Handwritten notes: I don't know if I'm being a snobbish dick, or, conversely, a dickish snob, but European fruit beers taste better. This one is simply cherries galore. The taste of cherry satisfies me because when I was a little kid and me and my little brother went to the doctor they would give us a sucker when we were done. Since he was "smaller" he always got to pick one first. He always took the last red one (cherry). I got what was left... let's see... yellow, green, orange... these... they... they're all fucking citrus!! This jealousy brought me to beat my brother mercilessly for many, many years. But, no, we had fun.
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Beer #510 of 3,652

Boulevard Pale Ale

Boulevard Pale Ale
Type of beer: Pale Ale
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.40%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 64% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.boulevard.com
Best for: Quiet reflection
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 12/20
Buy again: 13/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 7/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: This is a light and citrussy, pretty good, but not a stand out PA. Listen, Boulevard. You remember what I said about Lunar Ale? I just don't think you're getting the Jeff Lynne. Peep this:

Know it. Live it.
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Beer #509 of 3,652

Spaten Optimator

Spaten Optimator
Type of beer: Doppelbock
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 7.20%
Country of origin: Germany
Rating: 74% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bit glass
website: http://www.spatenbraeu.de/
Best for: car-pooling
Ratings:
Taste: 14/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 13/10
Satisfaction: 7/10
Complexity: 9/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: This tastes very bock-like. I can't tell by the bottle if it's really a bock. If it is, I win. I win the Olympics. If not, then boo. (**Confirmed! I win the Olympics!**). Somehow I find this name to be super bad-ass. But if you go around saying "Spaten Optimator Dopplebock" it sounds like you've got a mouthful of marbles. This has a deep caramel taste with floral notes that I was hoping Beck's Dark would carry. Very smooth and syrupy, but pleasantly so. Well, as they say in Germany, "C'est la vie".
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Beer #508 of 3,652

Big Rock Gopher Lager

Big Rock Gopher Lager
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 341 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 67% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 5
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.bigrockbeer.com/
Best for: having a fucking cook-out
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 12/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: There is something in the first sip that screams "Big Rock". You faithful reader(s) will know by now about my romanticized Big Rock past, 14 years ago, scouting out Big Rock Pale Ale at only "discerning" vendors for $9.10 per six pack, sitting in my room drinking alone listening to Morrison Hotel. In those days you could take $20, get a six pack and a pack of smokes and still have $5 left. Big Rock was miles above any shit beer I'd ever tasted. There is something in the maltiness of this beer and uniquely bitter hops that takes me back to that basement bedroom, lit by Christmas lights even in the middle of July. Ah... scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind.
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Beer #507 of 3,652

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Half Pints Weizen Heimer

Half Pints Weizen Heimer
Type of beer: Hefeweizen
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.0%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 73% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 6
Drank From: Big Rock Glass
website: www.halfpintsbrewing.com/
Best for: tuning your radio
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 15/20
Buy again: 16/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: (How old is this review? Over a year and a half I think. The bottle is covered in dust. I remember the spring of 2010... not really)

A strong-ass banana "naner sammij" flavour, but a wheaty-bitter finish like I've never had. It's not a citrus finish, there's no lemon or orange in this one. Nor does there appear to be any coriander, fennel, cumin, cardamom, saffron, or nutmeg. Did you know you can get real messed up on nutmeg? Look it up people. Whatever that means, this is a refreshing take on the usual whites. All white people look alike to me, anyways.
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Beer #506 of 3,652

St. Pauli Girl

St. Pauli Girl
Type of beer: Pilsner
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.90%
Country of origin: Germany
Rating: 59% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Pil Glass
website: http://www.stpauligirl.com/
Best for: Moving ahead, so life won't pass me by
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 11/20
Buy again: 13/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 7/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 7/10
Handwritten notes: I saw the green bottle and got what I expected. Beck's, Lowenbrau, whatever you call yourself these days. Is there anything different in the taste to set it apart? Nah. A bit lighter mayhap? Nah. A chick with big jugs on the bottle? Yes, that sets it apart. I'm no feminist, nor am I a masculinist. But the bottle offends me. Maybe it's just there to feed your longing and sorrow. Hey, see this chick? You'll never get her. Now drink up, bucko! I... but... alright.
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Beer #505 of 3,652

Thursday, June 23, 2011

George Killian's Irish Red

George Killian's Irish Red
Type of beer: Amber/Red Lager
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.90%
Country of origin: United States
Rating:48% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Ho-maid cup (ha ha it says "moo")
website: http://www.georgekillians.com/
Best for: Listening to "Infidels"
Ratings:
Taste: 10/20
Flavour: 9/20
Buy again: 9/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 5/10
Handwritten notes: Ahh, Richard Reed's. This has a metallic tasting barbecue sauce sweetness (and I'm talking Kansas City barbecue here). Still, perhaps better than other Reds I've had, including my trip to Moscow in 1984 (waka waka). This has more of an aftertaste, which I can always appreciate. Somewhat. Killian's. Yeah, pure 100% Irish made. Puh.

The label says "21 means 21". It just made me realize how laughable the drinking age in the USA is. Kill for your country? Yes. Vote? Yes. Smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day? Sure. Buy stacks of porn and read it at a gentleman's club? Ah, why not. Have a beer after work? NO! FUCK NO!! DAMN YOU TO THE DE**L DEMON ALCOHOL!!! You Americans cling like fuck to your puritanical roots. Dude, it's 2011. Deal.
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Beer #504 of 3,652

Michelob Honey Lager

Michelob Honey Lager
Type of beer: Amber/Red Lager
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.90%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 14% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bit glass
website: http://www.michelob.com/
Best for: Slapping your dog silly
Ratings:
Taste: 3/20
Flavour: 2/20
Buy again: 2/20
Aroma: 3/10
Satisfaction: 2/10
Complexity: 1/10
Intangible: 1/10
Handwritten notes: Oh, I get the market for Michelob now. It's diff (apostrophe) rent. It's not strange, scary, and frightening like the wicked craft beers you see. This is the kind of beer that you read the label of and know what to expect. It's good for people with anxiety disorders and the generally emotionally fragile. I have to admit, just the mention of "craft beer" makes me soil my trousers. Thank you, Michelob. You are the rock that keeps me from soaring away. Yuck.
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Beer #503 of 3,652

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Michelob Amber Bock

Michelob Amber Bock
Type of beer: Bock
Container Type: 12oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.20%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 61% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From:Glass
website: http://www.michelob.com/
Best for: Hot summer mornings
Ratings:
Taste: 11/20
Flavour: 12/20
Buy again: 12/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 5/10
Handwritten notes: Upon the first sip I did declareth "Ahhh, c'mon guys. Who are you trying to fool?" Ah, but the next sip didst foretell gentle hints of vanilla and caramel betwixt the sugary bock. Alas, followed by a flat sugar water sensation. What manner of sorcery is this? T'is strange magic, for sure.
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Beer #502 of 3,652

Grain Belt Nordeast

Grain Belt Nordeast
Type of beer: Amber/Red Lager
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.70%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 69% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer:1st
Drank From: Ho-maid cup
website: http://www.schellsbrewery.com/
Best for: playing roulette
Ratings:
Taste: 14/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 14/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 7/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: I bought this fully expecting not to like it. Regular Grain belt was an American nightmare. However, I've lived my life the way I have fully expecting not to live this long. Both have been somewhat pleasant surprises. It is what it is. A lot of people say that now. I prefer saying "this is this" with a distorted Bob DeNiro sneer. This beer is a bock-ish brown sugar wafer, but lighter and distinctly caramel. I love it. You buy it! You buy it! Di di mao!
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Beer #501 of 3,652

Friday, June 17, 2011

Abita Jockamo IPA

Abita Jockamo IPA
Type of beer: IPA
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 6.50%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 77% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Giny Glass
website: http://www.abita.com/
Best for: setting your flag on fire
Ratings:
Taste: 15/20
Flavour: 16/20
Buy again: 16/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: This is an IPA that does not leave your mouth feeling violated, sitting clutching its knees in the shower in a desperate attempt to feel clean again. Now, that subtlety is unique for an IPA these days. Really though I'd prefer this sugary tartness to some "set your mouth on fire" IPA. Talkin' bout hey now.


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Beer #500 of 3,652

Foster's Premium Ale

Foster's Premium Ale
Type of beer: ESB
Container Type: 25.4 oz can
Alcohol by volume: 5.50%
Country of origin: Australia
Rating: 26% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Ho-maid cup
website: http://www.fostersgroup.com/
Best for: Wasting a Sunday
Ratings:
Taste: 4/20
Flavour: 5/20
Buy again: 6/20
Aroma: 3/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 1/10
Handwritten notes: This has a weird, vegetable like taste that makes you go... whaaa? Then it's gone, leaving only deadly metal tinny mass-produced flavours. Does Foster's make regular sized beers? I've only ever seen these double cans. They're like that over-zealous party host who insists on pouring everyone doubles with an impish snicker. Speaking of which, who do you think Paul Hogan is boning tonight?
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Beer #499 of 3,652

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Flying Monkeys Hoptical Illusion

Flying Monkeys Hoptical Illusion
Type of beer: Pale Ale
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 62% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Mug
website: http://theflyingmonkeys.ca/
Best for: taking off
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 12/20
Buy again: 13/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 6/10
Handwritten notes: I understand being hip an modern and shit and playing the hi-fi at the sock hop and what not but I thought Robert Simpson was a classy name. Remember Confederation Amber Ale? Same company. I could tell by their smelly hippy bottle and the fact that Barrie Ontario probably couldn't handle two craft breweries. No offense, Barrionites. Even so, if you hippies are going to sell beer, don't think of a name while syncing Dark Side of the Moon with the Wizard of Oz. Now... the beer. It's a distinctly Canadian tasting beer... much like something Robert Simpson would brew. But the tinny northern molasses malts are laid over with a sort of IPA cloak. A technicolour dreamcoat that reminds us that 75% of Canadian live within 100 miles of the States. Smile on your brother.

(By the way, for you Americans, "technicolour" is a real spelling, and "the States" is what we call you. For you Canadians a "mile" is 1.609 kilometres).
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Beer #498 of 3,652

Abita Restoration Pale Ale

Abita Restoration Pale Ale
Type of beer: Pale Ale
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 74% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.abita.com/
Best for: organizing your pills
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 16/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 9/10
Intangible: 8/10
Handwritten notes: Kind of a strange beer in that it doesn't come at you with claws a-flailin' but sits back in a lawn chair of clean citrus. Zows. But not zows as in busting my head off, but zows as in it comes at you straight without much fuss, letting the caramelly and citrussy flavours develop organically in your kisser. A tribute to Louisiana I guess (I just read the label - restoration refers to the rebuild after the hurricanes). To this day, the Superdome is my favourite place to get raped. Oh, c'mon now.
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Beer #497 of 3,652