Fort Garry Premium Light

Fort Garry Premium Light
Type of beer: Light Lager
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 4.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 3% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 3rd
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.fortgarry.com/
Best for: Skipping a light fandango
Ratings:
Taste: 1/20
Flavour: 0/20
Buy again: 0/20
Aroma: 0/10
Satisfaction: 0/10
Complexity: 0/10
Intangible: 2/10

Handwritten notes: Fort Garry Light. Fort... Garry... Light. FGL. I don't even know what to say anymore. Uhh... think Bard, think. What would a jag-off Beer Advocate reviewer write? "it pours a golden straw colour and smells lightly malty..." go fuck yourself! It's shit!

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Beer #542 of 3,652

Tree Brewing Hefeweizen

Tree Brewing Hefeweizen
Type of beer: Hefeweizen
Container Type: 650 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 70% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bears
website: http://www.treebeer.com/
Best for: Dreaming
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 14/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 7/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 7/10

Handwritten notes: A somewhat standard heffer, much less abrasive than I would have expected. The label points to banana and clove flavours, but I taste a predominant anise/black licorice flavour. Smooth. Smooth move, ex-lax. Remember that shit? What the Funk & Wagnalls does that mean? Anyways, they should make laxatives that taste like this beer. If they did, I'd never be off the shitter. And was there really a guy named John Crapper? Ahh, that's for another time.

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Beer #531 of 3,652

Muskoka Hefe-Weissbier

Muskoka Hefe-Weissbier
Type of beer: Hefeweizen
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 40% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 2nd
Drank From: GW Glass
website: http://www.muskokabrewery.com/
Best for: Tubin'
Ratings:
Taste: 8/20
Flavour: 7/20
Buy again: 10/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 2/10

Handwritten notes: The can says "The taste of cottage country". I'm not sure, but I think that means it tastes like a public bathroom and Muskol. There's only a cinna-mini stick hint to tell me it's a weizen. It pours crystal clear which is kind of sickening. How come everybody in Winnipeg just says "I'm going to the lake". There's like 20,000 lakes (no exaggeration) within 3 hours drive yet everyone just says "the lake". Fuck it, I'll be downtown refereeing bum fights in some greasy grey back alley. Enjoy your nature, jerks.

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Beer #530 of 3,652

Hockley Black & Tan

Hockley Black and Tan
Type of beer:Black and Tan
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 4.70%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 65% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.hockleybeer.ca/
Best for: Stamping out racism
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 14x/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 6/10

Handwritten notes: Black and tan, in a can? I would so drink it, in a car, I would so drink it with a star, I would so drink it near and far, I would so drink it, at a bar. I dunno. But this is a smooth malt pleaser that moseys down your throat on a summer night. I would so drink it, in my plight, I would so drink it, and start a fight, I would so drink it, in the morning light.

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Beer #525 of 3,652

Muskoka Dark Ale

Muskoka Dark Ale
Type of beer: Brown Ale
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 30% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.muskokabrewery.com/
Best for: Cotta-hey country
Ratings:
Taste: 7/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 3/20
Aroma: 4/10
Satisfaction: 4/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 2/10

Handwritten notes: If I had a cottage you'd all be invited. But BYOB. You can even sleep in the bunk house. This smoky light keeps me wishing for the days of the iron curtain and the terror that Nikolai Volkoff struck in my heart. Because now I feel nothing, like some dude put 2 drops of liquid smoke in my Keystone Light. Thanx, but no thanx.

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Beer #524 of 3,652

Waterloo Wheat

Waterloo Wheat
Type of beer: White
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 11% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: GW Glass
website: http://www.brickbeer.com/
Best for: Sunshiney memories
Ratings:
Taste: 3/20
Flavour: 2/20
Buy again: 2/20
Aroma: 1/10
Satisfaction: 1/10
Complexity: 1/10
Intangible: 1/10

Handwritten notes: What is this lemonade honey vanilla bean banana peel glass of swill? This is the yellowest fucking beer I've ever tasted. You could freeze it and sell it to unsuspecting children on a summer's afternoon from your rapist-van cranking a tinny medley of "Baby Elephant Walk" and "Maple Leaf Rag". Good gracious, I think I just ate a yellow gumball.

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Beer #523 of 3,652

Big Rock Gopher Lager

Big Rock Gopher Lager
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 341 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 67% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 5
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.bigrockbeer.com/
Best for: having a fucking cook-out
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 12/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 8/10

Handwritten notes: There is something in the first sip that screams "Big Rock". You faithful reader(s) will know by now about my romanticized Big Rock past, 14 years ago, scouting out Big Rock Pale Ale at only "discerning" vendors for $9.10 per six pack, sitting in my room drinking alone listening to Morrison Hotel. In those days you could take $20, get a six pack and a pack of smokes and still have $5 left. Big Rock was miles above any shit beer I'd ever tasted. There is something in the maltiness of this beer and uniquely bitter hops that takes me back to that basement bedroom, lit by Christmas lights even in the middle of July. Ah... scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind.

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Beer #507 of 3,652

Half Pints Weizen Heimer

Half Pints Weizen Heimer
Type of beer: Hefeweizen
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.0%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 73% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 6
Drank From: Big Rock Glass
website: www.halfpintsbrewing.com/
Best for: tuning your radio
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 15/20
Buy again: 16/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 8/10

Handwritten notes: (How old is this review? Over a year and a half I think. The bottle is covered in dust. I remember the spring of 2010... not really)

A strong-ass banana "naner sammij" flavour, but a wheaty-bitter finish like I've never had. It's not a citrus finish, there's no lemon or orange in this one. Nor does there appear to be any coriander, fennel, cumin, cardamom, saffron, or nutmeg. Did you know you can get real messed up on nutmeg? Look it up people. Whatever that means, this is a refreshing take on the usual whites. All white people look alike to me, anyways.

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Beer #506 of 3,652

Flying Monkeys Hoptical Illusion

Flying Monkeys Hoptical Illusion
Type of beer: Pale Ale
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 62% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Mug
website: http://theflyingmonkeys.ca/
Best for: taking off
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 12/20
Buy again: 13/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 6/10

Handwritten notes: I understand being hip an modern and shit and playing the hi-fi at the sock hop and what not but I thought Robert Simpson was a classy name. Remember Confederation Amber Ale? Same company. I could tell by their smelly hippy bottle and the fact that Barrie Ontario probably couldn't handle two craft breweries. No offense, Barrionites. Even so, if you hippies are going to sell beer, don't think of a name while syncing Dark Side of the Moon with the Wizard of Oz. Now... the beer. It's a distinctly Canadian tasting beer... much like something Robert Simpson would brew. But the tinny northern molasses malts are laid over with a sort of IPA cloak. A technicolour dreamcoat that reminds us that 75% of Canadian live within 100 miles of the States. Smile on your brother.

(By the way, for you Americans, "technicolour" is a real spelling, and "the States" is what we call you. For you Canadians a "mile" is 1.609 kilometres).

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Beer #498 of 3,652

Tree Brewing Captivator DoppelBock

Tree Brewing Captivator DoppelBock
Type of beer: Doppelbock
Container Type: 650 mL
Alcohol by volume: 8.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 71% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Okto mug
website: http://www.treebeer.com/
Best for: inducing a coma
Ratings:
Taste: 14/20
Flavour: 13/20
Buy again: 13/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 7/10

Handwritten notes: The initial taste is "Halloween candy" and then a bitter pasty mouth finish. A lovely tummy warming feeling. I brought this puppy home and waited patiently for an overcast rainy day. It was the worst 4 days of my life. But here is the rainy overcast night, sweet warm humid breeze flowing over my nostrils. This beer kind of reminds me of the old Nostadamus doppel. Let's not romanticize, though. This is overall a B+ student. But so was I, so let's go get some tacos.

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Beer #493 of 3,652

Lucky Light

Lucky Light
Type of beer: Light Lager
Container Type: 341 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 2% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 23 (I bought a 2-4 and reviewed the last one)
Drank From: Cham-pizzane glass
website: http://www.labatt.com/
Best for: Cutting your toenails
Ratings:
Taste: 0/20
Flavour: 0/20
Buy again: 1/20
Aroma: 0/10
Satisfaction: 0/10
Complexity: 0/10
Intangible: 1/10

Handwritten notes: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! This beer is a living joke. It's like if you invited Pauly Shore or Weird Al Yankovic to your Thanksgiving dinner. What are you going to do, discuss politics with them? Fuck no, dance for me, clown! Similarly, this beer is simply the liquid punchline to: "what's worse than Lucky Lager?"

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Beer #492 of 3,652

Mill St. Stock Ale

Mill St. Stock Ale
Type of beer: Blonde Ale
Container Type: 341 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 55% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bit Glass
website: http://www.millstreetbrewpub.ca/
Best for: Minding the store
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 11/20
Buy again: 12/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 7/10

Handwritten notes: This is a fizzy, almost meaningless beer. The only true flavour here is the Canadian malt, somewhere off in the distance like a light beer. I like the idea of Mill St. brewery. I like some of their other stuff. But it feels like this was a tack on to appease some Philistine and give him a way to spend his paycheque and/or welfare cheque. Too bad. I'm only being hard on you because I believe in you, Milly.

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Beer #489 of 3,652

Russell Blood Alley ESB

Russell Blood Alley ESB
Type of beer: ESB
Container Type: 650 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.50%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 78% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bears
website: http://www.russellbeer.ca/
Best for: Eating tofu
Ratings:
Taste: 15/20
Flavour: 16/20
Buy again: 15/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 8/10
Intangible: 8/10

Handwritten notes: A slightly bitter ESB (the bottle says 50 IBU), leaving a musing of aftertaste of Canadian hops and malt. This is an almost perfect Canadian (decidedly Canadian tasting) ESB. That brown sugar tenderness is there, before and after the hop lovin'. I'm having deja vu. Have I used this phrase before? I love that feeling. I can't remember what I did yesterday, but I feel like I'm remembering shit that never happened. This beer is worth the $6.50 price tag any day, God bless you Russell, whoever you are.

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Beer #488 of 3,652

Upper Canada Dark Ale

Upper Canada Dark Ale
Type of beer: Brown Ale
Container Type: 341 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 36% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 11
Drank From: GW Glass
website: http://www.uppercanada.com/
Best for: I don't recall...
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 6/20
Buy again: 6/20
Aroma: 4/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 3/10
Intangible: 2/10

Handwritten notes: This is a dark beer to be fucked with. The thing about Upper Canada is that there is some punch masquerading as craft beer...

**I have to honest with you people. I continued writing but it becomes illegible. Something about chocolate? The perils of my hobby. It is very probable that I fell asleep in my recliner writing this. Another clue is the picture. I almost never pour that much head. Odds are I succumbed to some Bacchanalian obliviousness shortly after taking my first sip.

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Beer #486 of 3,652

PC Pilsener

PC Pilsener
Type of beer: Canadian Pilsner
Container Type: 355 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 39% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: n/a
Best for: floating on cloud 8.5
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 8/20
Aroma: 4/10
Satisfaction: 4/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 4/10

Handwritten notes: Wah! Generic beer... for real, people. This is the PC take on Labatt Blue. Beer Advocate even says it's brewed by Labatt. Then why is it better than Blue? If this were indicative of Canadian Pilsner I would be a little less bitter and frustrated. This has a light and clean taste, ushering in some malty flavours. To be true, it still ain't that good. But if this were the worst Canadian Pilsner ever I would happily tattoo a maple leaf on my arm like some moronic tool with a 53 IQ. The true north, strong and free.

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Beer #481 of 3,652

PC Light

PC Light
Type of beer: Light Lager
Container Type: 355 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 4.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 11% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: n/a
Best for: logging into your AOL email account
Ratings:
Taste: 4/20
Flavour: 2/20
Buy again: 0/20
Aroma: 1/10
Satisfaction: 1/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 1/10

Handwritten notes: This has sort of a gross Canadian pungency floating down a piss-river of light liquid. I respect a beer that goes 100% into what it claims. I don't want a light that leaves a metallic Canadian aftertaste in your throat (like this one). Why, oh why, is there a market for beers with 1% less alcohol? Some mysteries can't be solved, even by Columbo. No, I take that back. Columbo could figure this one out, but he would do so shading his eyes and telling you he couldn't. Brilliant.

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Beer #477 of 3,652

Molson M

Molson M
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 4.90%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 6% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Mug
website: http://www.molsoncoorscanada.com/
Best for: Imitating Don Rickles
Ratings:
Taste: 2/20
Flavour: 2/20
Buy again: 0/20
Aroma: 1/10
Satisfaction: 1/10
Complexity: 0/10
Intangible: 0/10

Handwritten notes: Molson "M"! First off, fuck the minimalist 1980's name. "M". Molson "M"! Sounds like some hogshit restaurant where you can't wear track pants. Molson "M"! This beer is like the narc pretending to be a high school student. Get off it, buddy. Molson "M"! How tres chique! I'm going to sip it out of a champagne glass in a heart shaped hot tub snorting coke wearing shutter shades and watching "In Living Color". Molson "M"! Micro carbonated? Wha... why? I actually heard hype about this beer and for half a week there I believed that Molson "got it". Wrong! But the bubbles are smaller. Perfect! I couldn't handle them big bubbles in Molson Dry. Molson "M"!

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Beer #475 of 3,652

Russell Lemon Ale

Russell Lemon Ale
Type of beer: Fruit Ale
Container Type: 355 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 39% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 4th (today)
Drank From: Mug
website: http://www.russellbeer.ca/
Best for: pouting
Ratings:
Taste: 10/20
Flavour: 7/20
Buy again: 12/20
Aroma: 2/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 1/10
Intangible: 2/10

Handwritten notes: I've had a lot of fruit beers. This one is exactly as expected. It calls itself a "Wheat Ale" but I don't know about that. Tastes very fresh and light, and honey-lemony. It was a warm as fuck day today and they were giving samples of this away at the vendor. By "they" I mean a pathetically persistent middle-aged man watching hoser after hoser buy cases of Labatt Blue. He told me "it just came in yesterday!" I thought, what the hell? It's actually a yard and a half better than macro crap I could be drinking right now. Plus those dudes giving samples at the vendor are always so grateful when you buy the product. I want that guy to be tucking himself into bed tonight and saying "today was a good day". Here I go, on a fruit beer kick. Heraclitus, you were right, all things are in flux, including my taste buds. Too bad you had to have "clit" right there in he middle of your name.

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Beer #472 of 3,652

Red Racer ESB

Red Racer ESB
Type of beer: ESB
Container Type: 355 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.60%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 74% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.centralcitybrewing.com/
Best for: giving a care
Ratings:
Taste: 13/20
Flavour: 15/20
Buy again: 16/20
Aroma: 8/10
Satisfaction: 8/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 8/10

Handwritten notes: I still don't know what ESB means. Extra Special/Strong Bitter or early spring beer? To me it's just a grapefruit express. It's still amazing to me that the evolution of craft beer took so long to hit hoser shores. Still, hooray for progress, woo. It's hard to believe this beer comes from some little brewpub in BC. That's just amazing, and takes me back to some past-life 1700s township where every pub brewed its own beer. I long for the days when I'd be considered an old man at 33.

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Beer #468 of 3,652

Great Western Original 16

Great Western Original 16
Type of beer: Pale Ale
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00 %
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 18% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 3
Drank From: GW Glass
website: http://www.greatwesternbrewing.com/
Best for: climbing trees
Ratings:
Taste: 5/20
Flavour: 6/20
Buy again: 2/20
Aroma: 1/10
Satisfaction: 1/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 1/10

Handwritten notes: This beer is the answer to that shitty Molson "micro carbonated" beer (review to follow). Oh, did you say micro-brewed? No, micro carbonated. This is a flat (literally and figuratively) lifeless offering. I fucking love it when companies create products that there is no marketplace demand for. I just sit back in my lawn chair, hands folded delicately on my lap, smiling and waiting. Bring back clear Pepsi, though, that was a great idea.

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Beer #463 of 3,652