Muskoka Hefe-Weissbier

Muskoka Hefe-Weissbier
Type of beer: Hefeweizen
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 40% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 2nd
Drank From: GW Glass
website: http://www.muskokabrewery.com/
Best for: Tubin'
Ratings:
Taste: 8/20
Flavour: 7/20
Buy again: 10/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 2/10

Handwritten notes: The can says "The taste of cottage country". I'm not sure, but I think that means it tastes like a public bathroom and Muskol. There's only a cinna-mini stick hint to tell me it's a weizen. It pours crystal clear which is kind of sickening. How come everybody in Winnipeg just says "I'm going to the lake". There's like 20,000 lakes (no exaggeration) within 3 hours drive yet everyone just says "the lake". Fuck it, I'll be downtown refereeing bum fights in some greasy grey back alley. Enjoy your nature, jerks.

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Beer #530 of 3,652

Abbot Ale

Abbot Ale
Type of beer: Pale Ale
Container Type: pint can
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: England
Rating: 48% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.greeneking.co.uk/
Best for: Sick-ass Monday
Ratings:
Taste: 11/20
Flavour: 9/20
Buy again: 5/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 6/10

Handwritten notes: I don't know about this beer, it kind of makes me feel queasy like chugging an Orange Crush. Very fruity and sugary flavours present. It's almost like a rotten woody-fruity taste, like that old plum tree my grandparents had where the plums would fall off and rot and you'd walk by on the way to the outhouse in September and say "whew! who's been drinkin'?". A cheek-painting sour bitterness finishes it off. Why is it that British food is all meat and pastry and beans and root vegetables? All they eat is brown and almost-brown food and then wonder why they're pasty faced weaklings? Smart folks, though. Smart folks.

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Beer #518 of 3,652

Kronenbourg 1664

Kronenbourg 1664
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 330 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: France
Rating: 43% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Bit Glass
website: http://www.brasseries-kronenbourg.com
Best for: Impersonating a millionaire
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 9/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 3/10
Intangible: 4/10

Handwritten notes: Skunk-stink, but only a light skunk-stink, if that helps. A bit less bitter and softer around the corners than I expected. Weird, like there may be Cascade detergent in it. Buy it so that you can ask your friends (or relatives, or prostitutes you've paid to wear spider-man tights and tickle your feet) "who wants a Kronenbourg??"

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Beer #512 of 3,652

George Killian's Irish Red

George Killian's Irish Red
Type of beer: Amber/Red Lager
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.90%
Country of origin: United States
Rating:48% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Ho-maid cup (ha ha it says "moo")
website: http://www.georgekillians.com/
Best for: Listening to "Infidels"
Ratings:
Taste: 10/20
Flavour: 9/20
Buy again: 9/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 5/10

Handwritten notes: Ahh, Richard Reed's. This has a metallic tasting barbecue sauce sweetness (and I'm talking Kansas City barbecue here). Still, perhaps better than other Reds I've had, including my trip to Moscow in 1984 (waka waka). This has more of an aftertaste, which I can always appreciate. Somewhat. Killian's. Yeah, pure 100% Irish made. Puh.

The label says "21 means 21". It just made me realize how laughable the drinking age in the USA is. Kill for your country? Yes. Vote? Yes. Smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day? Sure. Buy stacks of porn and read it at a gentleman's club? Ah, why not. Have a beer after work? NO! FUCK NO!! DAMN YOU TO THE DE**L DEMON ALCOHOL!!! You Americans cling like fuck to your puritanical roots. Dude, it's 2011. Deal.
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Beer #504 of 3,652

Abita Purple Haze

Abita Purple Haze
Type of beer: Hefe-Weizen
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.20%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 40% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: glass
website: www.abita.com
Best for: sleeping late
Ratings:
Taste: 6/20
Flavour: 7/20
Buy again: 6/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 7/10

Handwritten notes: 'scuse me while I drink this guy!! I do love raspberries in real life and I have an equal "dis-love" for fruit beers. Are these for girls? I don't get the market. Anyhoo, I was wondering what the heck purple has to do with raspberry. However, the raspberry taste is quite faint and (I can't believe I'm saying this) actually tastes purple. One time in my first year of University I was in a class called "enjoyment of music" and the teacher would play a record (yes, an actual LP) then, at the end of the song ask the class if they had any "colour sensations" listening to it. How the fuck does Bach sound orange? I quit the class after 2 weeks, as I did not begin smoking marijuana until a year later. Even so.

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Beer #466 of 3,652

Shiner Blonde

Shiner Blonde
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 12 oz bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.40%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 49% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Red Man mug
website: http://www.shiner.com/
Best for: stepping on people's toes
Ratings:
Taste: 11/20
Flavour: 10/20
Buy again: 12/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 3/10
Intangible: 3/10

Handwritten notes: A light and fizzy piece o' work. It has subdued wheaty flavour, but nothing slaps you in the face. It would be good as a thirst quencher, but for the price I'd rather slam 6 cheap beers to quench my thirst/blood lust. However, this beer is not half bad. But I'm an optimist. A pessimist may just say that it's not half good.

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Beer #465 of 3,652

Heileman's Old Style

Heileman's Old Style
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 16 oz can
Alcohol by volume: 4.72%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 44% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 5
Drank From: HP Glass
website: http://www.pabstbrewingco.com/portfolio/
Best for: Some sort of 1970's party
Ratings:
Taste: 10/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 13/20
Aroma: 3/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 5/10

Handwritten notes: For a kid who grew up smack-ass-dab in the middle of Canada, I have no idea how I got the Heileman's song in my head. "Heileman's--Old-Style. Heileman's Old Style Lager Beer". Dudes and dudettes, peep this shit out:

You're welcome.
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Beer #445 of 3,652

Sagres Bohemia

Sagres Bohemia
Type of beer: Dark Lager
Container Type: 330 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 6.2%
Country of origin: Portugal
Rating: 47% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Drank From: Glass
website: http://www.centralcervejas.pt/
Best for: Liking the wrong things
Ratings:
Taste: 10/20
Flavour: 11/20
Buy again: 8/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 3/10
Intangible: 4/10

Handwritten notes: Strangely, grossly this tastes like "Boh" (a different beer, review to follow). This is a sort of Canadian type beer with only a caramelly "Alley Kat" like flavour to keep it from the perilous depths of obscurity. What good ever came from Portugal? The only thing I know about Portuguese people is that they are fiercely patriotic. So much so that if I said "Portugal sucks, fuckers" they would hunt me down and eat my blood. Even so, this beer ain't so good. So come get me, Portuguese.

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Beer #440 of 3,652

Boulevard Lunar Ale

Boulevard Lunar Ale
Type of beer: Wheat Ale
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.10%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 49% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Cost: $1.25
Tasted on: 7/1/10
Colours of label: Black/Purple/Yellow
Drank From: HP Glass

Label Reads: “In time-honored brewing tradition, we’ve added a small amount of yeast to this ale just before packaging to produce a secondary fermentation in the bottle. The yeast, which settles naturally to the bottom of the bottle, encourages further maturation and contributes to the ale’s complex flavor.”

website: www.blvdbeer.com/beer.htm

Best for: closing up shop

Ratings:

Taste: 9/20

Flavour: 8/20

Buy again: 10/20

Aroma: 7/10

Satisfaction: 5/10

Complexity: 5/10

Intangible: 5/10

Handwritten notes: This is a wheaty, honey piece of business with not much more going for it. It's a nice piece of caramel and honey pie wrapped in a purplish dark veil and shrouded in mediocrity. Oh, Boulevard Brewing. What encouragement can I give you? Here... go find a picture of Jeff Lynne. Go ahead, I'll wait. Now... look at him, long and hard until your eyes hurt. Study him. That is the genius you should aspire to. Not second best, not "karaoke good", not passable, but Jeff fucking Lynne. Got it? Now go get 'em, tiger. You're welcome.

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Beer #435 of 3,652

Schell's Zommerfest

Schell's Zommerfest
Type of beer: Kölsch
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.00%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 49% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Cost: $1.25
Tasted on: 6/28/10
Colours of label: Yellow/Gold/White
Drank From: Heinie Glass

Label Reads: “The August Schell brewing company is the second oldest family owned brewery in the United States.”

website: www.schellsbrewery.com
Best for: polishing your silverware
Ratings:
Taste: 10/20
Flavour: 11/20
Buy again: 9/20
Aroma: 4/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 5/10
Intangible: 5/10

Handwritten notes: What's the deal with "lacing"? Why do I see so many beer reviews that comment on a beer's lacing? Who gives? I know, I know, it's part of the whole hedonistic sensory experience. I just think it is a bunch of bullshit and just something to fill the page, like the banal chatter of news anchors as the newscast ends. You mean to tell me that Ray Charles would like a beer less than I do because the fucker can't see the little marks on the side of the glass? Ugh. Where was I? I'm not sure I care for this beer, it feels a bit acidic in the back of the throat and quite tart. The uneasy feeling of choking back vomit presents itself with each sip... the beer is that caustic. However, the lacing was AWESOME AS FUCK. It was like looking into the face of God.

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Beer #425 of 3,652

Shiner Kosmos Reserve

Shiner Kosmos Reserve
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: ??%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 47% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Cost: $1.25
Tasted on: 6/16/10
Colours of label: Cream/Grey/Black
Drank From: Glass

Label Reads: “Kosmos Spoetzl knew how to brew great beer. Born in Bavaria, Kosmos’ mastery of German brewing carried him as far as Egypt before he found his way to the small Texas town of Shiner. Our proud brewery still carries his name and commitment to excellence in brewing. This full-flavored, hop-jacked lager is every bit as unique as the man himself and our way of saluting the brewmaster who started it all.”

website: www.shiner.com
Best for: drifting along with the tumblin' tumbleweeds
Ratings:
Taste: 10/20
Flavour: 10/20
Buy again: 9/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 3/10
Intangible: 3/10

Handwritten notes: Lonely, but free I'll be found... drinkin' Shiner Kosmos? I'm not sure what to make of this one note sort of beer. It has the malt and the carbonation and not a whole heck of a lot more. It's not the greatest thing I've ever tasted, and quite honestly it tastes like something Fort Garry Brewing would make and label "premium". That is, it tastes like it was made for the mustachioed Canadian palate. But this hoser ain't playing ball. I don't drink to make myself cry. You see, a lot of Canadian males use beer as a sort of a daily pon farr to release the emotions their daddies told them to keep bottled up. What am I talking about? I thought this was a beer blog. I apologize, dear reader(s). Anyways, try it or don't, I don't give a shit.

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Beer #405 of 3,652

New Belgium Skinny Dip

New Belgium Skinny Dip
Type of beer: Ale
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 4.20%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 43% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st

Cost: $1.00
Tasted on: 10/29/09
Colours of label: Yellow/Red/Green
Drank From: Red Man
Label Reads: "You can drop everything for New Belgium's Skinny Dip, a full-bodied beer that's designed for the summer dress code. Cascade hops frolic with a splash of kaffir lime leaf creating a bright, citrusy palate that's as crisp as chilling in a mountain pond."
website: www.newbelgium.com
Best for: when shlong meets pond
Ratings:
Taste: 6/20
Flavour: 7/20
Buy again: 7/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 5/10
Handwritten notes: This beer tastes like a fizzy piece of carpet. I often write these reviews and feel a level of remorse. Even so, I remain true to the moment and this beer tastes like dust. It's like if you just had to empty out the vacuum canister and all the dust wafted up into your sinus cavity and then you drank an old Mil. While I am almost always a fan of getting "neked", be it streaking, prostate exam, or otherwise, this beer falls flat.

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Beer #340 of 3,652

Labatt 50

Labatt 50
Type of beer: Ale
Container Type: 341 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.0%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 48% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 12
Cost: $1.50
Tasted on: 9/21/09
Colours of label: Green/Red Gold
Drank From: Red Man Mug
Label Reads: "Authentic Ale"
website: www.labbat.ca
Best for: scratching your head
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 11/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 4/10
Intangible: 5/10

Handwritten notes: A wise man once told me that he drinks Labatt 50 for the following reason: "no one buys it, so it's always cold when you get it from the vendor". That wise man was none other than ma dear sweet braether. Anyhoo, I bought this because I wanted a 12 pack, and because I hadn't reviewed it, nor had I drank it in probably 8 years or more. I threw the box in the fridge, popped one open, poured and drank it expecting a mouthful of John Labatt's tears. Instead I said (literally) "wait a minute... that's good." I may have picked up a skunky batch, but what I drank did not taste like any form of urine, and instead was a passable ale. HUH? Its surprising flavour is no wonder why it is the least popular of the macros.

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Beer #304 of 3,652

Schofferhofer Grapefruit

Schofferhofer Grapefruit
Type of beer: Heffe-Weizen
Container Type: 330 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 2.5%
Country of origin: Germany
Rating: 42% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Cost: $2.75
Tasted on: 7/13/09
Colours of label: Orange/Silver/Black
Drank From: fruity glass
Label Reads: "Hefeweizen - Mix"
website: www.schoefferhofer.de
Best for: being heart-smart
Ratings:
Taste: 11/20
Flavour: 9/20
Buy again: 7/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 3/10
Complexity: 4/10
Intangible: 2/10

Handwritten notes: I'm not sure I'm a big fan of this fruit beer business. I'm a sot, not a flippin' green grocer. This tastes like grapefruit juice. Any beer flavour is beaten down with a billy-club on the side of the road after a routine traffic stop. If you like grapefruit juice, you'll like this beer. If you are like me and you like beer, you might want to just go drink gasoline or mouthwash instead.

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Beer #219 of 3,652

Kokanee Gold

Kokanee Gold
Type of beer: Lager
Container Type: 341 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.3%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 42% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 6-12
Cost: $1.65
Tasted on: 7/10/09
Colours of label: Gold/Blue/White
Drank From: Mug

Label Reads: "Pure Gold from the Heart of B.C.", "Our records can be traced back over 100 years to the original Fort Steele brewery where B.C.'s first brewmaster crafted the finest lagers. Today, the Columbia Brewery's 100 employees ensure that tradition lives on in every drop of Kokanee Gold, the gold standard in mountain brewing".

website: www.kokanee.ca
Best for: visiting strange towns
Ratings:
Taste: 8/20
Flavour: 7/20
Buy again: 9/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 7/10
Complexity: 2/10
Intangible: 3/10

Handwritten notes: One of the passable macros you might find in the hand of a hoser in his back yard barbecuing hot dogs. Why this beer needs to be more expensive than regular Kokanee I'm not really sure. The same sort of flavour as regular Kokanee, with a bit of a foamier whoosh and slightly higher ABV that enhances the flavour. Rather than regular Kokanee's "crisp" intense carbonation, this feels a bit more natural. Unfortunately, the flavour is still that of a Canadian macro, and nothing to write to your cousin about.

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Beer #216 of 3,652

Fort Garry Rouge

Fort Garry Rouge
Type of beer: Ale
Container Type: 341 mL bottle
Alcohol by volume: 5.0%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 43% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Cost: $1.75
Tasted on: 6/12/09
Colours of label: Red/White/Black
Drank From: stouty glass
Label Reads: "Original beer since 1930".
website: www.fortgarry.com
Best for: listening to Christmas music in June
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 6/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 4/10

Handwritten notes: I run the risk of getting my tires popped, my house crank-called, and my cat being stolen and skinned by bashing a beer from my hometown. I drive by the Fort Garry brewery every day on my way to work. Fuck it, my car sucks, I have caller ID, and my cat has it coming. This beer is not good. For those of you who don't "parlez Francais", Rouge means Red. I don't know what to say, I am baffled that Fort Garry would make something this mainstream. Yes, hosers love their beer to taste like macro-brewed swill, and they like it to be 5% alcohol (no more, no less), but they are also cheap. No one would want to pay extra for what is in essence Rickard's Red and Labatt's Blue mixed together. Fellahs, the Red beer craze is 10 years passed. No one wants to drink a musty-tasting piece of business like this. If you want to follow a trend that has played itself out, why not bring in a "genuine draft" or an "ice beer"? Sorry guys.

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Beer #189 of 3,652

Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss

Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss
Type of beer: Heffe-Weizen
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol volume: 4.9%
Country of origin: United States
Rating: 47% (see below)
Number of times I've had this beer: 1st
Cost: $1.00
Tasted on: 5/28/09
Colours of label: Yellow/Red/White
Drank From: Glass

Label Reads: "Wheat beer brewed with real Wisconsin honey", "Brewed with pride by the Leinenkugel family since 1867", "The pride of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin since 1867", "Carefully brewed by the Leinenkugel family"

website: www.leinie.com
Best for: picking strawberries with your auntie
Ratings:
Taste: 8/20
Flavour: 10/20
Buy again: 6/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 6/10
Complexity: 6/10
Intangible: 5/10

Handwritten notes: This beer tastes very sweet. This Leinie business is either a summertime-only company or a company that brews for girls with no taste buds. This is a sickly sweet taste of sunshine in your mouth. It tastes like summer, but a summer where you have to work all the time and you barely get outside and then, what the fuck, it's September already??? And then you cry a little for the wasted time and you mourn another summer with nothing to show for it but another inch on your waistline and a cigar burn in your living room rug. C'est la vie. This is one of the worst honey beers I've had in that it actually tastes like honey. Besides bees, who the fuck wants to drink that?

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Beer #169 of 3,652

Tsingtao

Tsingtao
Type: Pilsner
Container Type: 330 mL bottle
Alcohol volume: 4.5%
Country of origin: China
Rating: 45% (see below)
Number of times I've had this type: 1st
Cost: $1.95
Tasted on: 4/16/09
Colours of label: Green/White/Red
Drank From: Pint Glass
Label Reads: "Since 1903"
website: www.tsingtaobeer.com/
Best for: being "no dumb"
Ratings:
Taste: 7/20
Flavour: 7/20
Buy again: 7/20
Aroma: 5/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 7/10
Intangible: 3/10

Handwritten notes: Gross. China and Mexico should be barred from brewing beer. Weak, no powerful taste, but something weird behind there. It was the same sort of taste in Asahi, like a sort of numbby greasy balloon taste (that's a strange way to describe it, but try it for yourself. Or don't. Wait, no, don't. It sucks).

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Beer #78 of 3,652

Dos Equis Lager Especial

Dos Equis Lager Especial
Type: lager
Container Type: 355 mL bottle
Alcohol volume: 4.5%
Country of origin: Mexico
Rating: 44% (see below)
Number of times I've had this type: 1st
Cost: $2.10
Tasted on: 4/11/09
Colours of label: green/gold/red
Drank From: bottle
Label Reads: n/a
website: www.dosequis.com/

Best for: disappointing days
Ratings:
Taste: 9/20
Flavour: 8/20
Buy again: 6/20
Aroma: 6/10
Satisfaction: 5/10
Complexity: 4/10
Intangible: 6/10
Handwritten notes: I don't understand Mexico and its beer. This is a barely passable beer. If I am going to pay "premium beer" prices I would expect something more than Labatt's Blue. Plain, unastonishing smoky flavour with little or no personality (despite the clever commercials).
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Beer #71 of 3,652

Moosehead

Moosehead
Type: Lager
Container Type: 473 mL can
Alcohol volume: 5.0%
Country of origin: Canada
Rating: 44% (see below)
Number of times I've had this type: 20+
Cost: $2.45
Tasted on: 3/29/09
Colours of bottle: Green/Gold/White/Red
Drank From: can

Label Reads: "At Moosehead, we believe out independence is our greatest strength, allowing us to brew quality beer without compromise, the way we always have, since 1867".
website: http://www.moosehead.ca/
Best for: leap years
Ratings:
Taste: 10/20
Flavour: 10/20
Buy again: 14/20
Aroma: 3/10
Satisfaction: 4/10
Intangible: 1/10
Complexity 2/10
Handwritten notes: Canada's best beer? Puh-lease... I saw a few reviews that said the carbonation was nice. CARBONATION? Cripes...am I a snob?... Tastes like a hangover.

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Beer #40 of 3,652