Me Know Nothing

Folks, I need to get something off my chest. I know nothing about beer. I am no beer snob, no beer connoisseur, fuck I don't even know how to spell "connoisseur" without the help of spell check.

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I went into my favourite LC yesterday and overheard a fella I know who works there talking to a middle aged couple. They were wondering what the flavour was in Keith's white. They were bandying the words "cinnamon" and "nutmeg" about. I butted in and said it was coriander and orange peel. Fair enough, I'm just trying to help out. So my buddy at the LC tells these folks that I've tried every beer in the store (absolutely true) and that I'm an "expert".

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Unfortunately, that's when the questions started. "What's your favourite beer of all time?" they asked. What the fuck is my answer to that? "It depends on my mood," I answered. This is not a political answer, it's a true one. "Okay then, what's your favourite Canadian beer?" they asked. I (props to my homies from the 204) said that Half Pints LSIPA was the best Canadian beer I could think of off the top of my head. It was a sort of sunny/rainy day and an IPA would go perfect.

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Then it got dumb. "Did you know," I was asked, "That Labatt's has trademarked the term India Pale Ale?". "No," I answered, I didn't know that". Ugh. Then I was asked "what my favourite hopping was". It was not until I was in the car on my way home that I realized I should have said "I don't know, on one foot??". Instead I just put my sunglasses back on and went about browsing.

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Hindsight being what it is, I should have known that I was in for a brain mashing because they were asking my buddy what the difference was between a White beer and Bud Light.

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The point is this. There are two types of "experts": the true experts who could tell an IPA from a Pale Ale blindfolded. Not me, by any stretch of the imagination. The second is the one who thinks that "India Pale Ale" was invented by Labatt's, and that there is a coherent answer to "what's your favourite hopping?". Not me, either. I'm just some dude in sweat pants with a cigar in his mouth who likes to pretend that the smokies he's barbecuing are his cock. End of story.